When i was younger i had so very many dreams, dreams of being a singer, a dancer, an actor, a book author, a script writer, an artist,...but as i get older i find myself convicting myself they wont work and somewhat letting go of those dreams. I'll never make it as a singer i don't have the technology/know-how to self produce well and i'm not really sure i even have the voice to make it as a singer, i'll never be an actor I'm not a size zero beauty queen, the only rolls i would get is the undesirable 'fat girl', I'll never be a writer...i get ranted at daily for my bad spelling and grammar. I'll never be an artist, my art has made less than £1 over the time I've been on deviantart. So where dose that leave me?
Well currently I'm working at a grocery store and studying for a degree in animal management, consistently fighting back bouts of depression and looking to work in the animal industry. i totally love animals and i do go into lessions looking forward to learning more and when i was working at the aquarium on placement i was so happy to go into work everyday. but i keep looking back at those dreams and wondering if i stuck with them would anything have happen? i see bands who have got far enough to make a living from there music and feel an insane jealousy and deep sadness. if only i has tried a tiny bit harder, if only i had chosen GCSE music rather than science or art. If only i had a band around me that i could learn from and grow with. If only i hadn't waited so long to learn guitar... if only i had a big on-line following.
The singing / music dream is the one dream that i still cling on to even now, (i do art as a side hobby as we know). I learned to play my guitar that I've had been given at lest six years previously. The moment i found i could just strum some cords and make up a song on the spot was like finding i could breath again after holding my breath for years. My latest bout of depression was by far the worst and there where a few things that got me threw it. One of them was the people around me on the Internet (and i am forever gratefully that even when i was so upset i was incoherent they helped me) the second thing that helped me was music. in the middle of that depression i would feel so lost in all the emotions, it was a like feeling empty and about to burst at the same time. sometimes in those times i would just pick up my guitar, play a song i knew or just strum and make up a song and all i had to be was the music. the only emotion i let myself feel where the ones to do with the song. it sounds so stupid but it helped get me so much. it kept me breathing steadily when i felt like i was drowning.
I should really get to a point here, and i guess i didn't really know the point till i went down this chain of thought but i really want to hold on to the dream of being a singer. even if i never make anything of myself. singing is part of me it's the one thing i've taken pride in and thought 'yes, i can do this' My confidence in my singing has crumpled over time as has my confidence in every aspect of my life. If i let go fully of my others dreams ... well it will be a shame but if i ever threaten not to sing or play guitar again remind me of this journal post and remind me that i've let go of so many other dreams from my past i should really hold on to one of them. even if i think I'm a rubbish singer / musician remind me. <3
well i think that's enough ramblings for now. i have work in the morning and a head full of thoughts to vanquish before i can sleep. good night deviant-art <3